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Blog Articles by Justin Stum
Recent Entries
Freedom and Maturity With Developing Adolescents
Worthiness: A Key To Overpowering Depression
Past Entries
Boundaries: What They Are and How
To Create Them
How Do I Know If I Need Couples or Marriage
Counseling?
Aspirations: Goal Setting and Achievement
in 2010
Social Anxiety During The Holidays
Insecurity - The Fuel of Relational
Conflict
Parenting Styles - Rigid, Lax, or Somewhere
Inbetween?
My Spouse Won't Come To Counseling, Now
What?
Depression: Fueled by Sadness and
Self-defeating Thoughts
The Facebook Fuss - Frustrated Friendships?
Stepping Into the Dark - Risk Taking
Your First Therapy Session
Grief and Loss: Understanding Bonding and Attachment
Communication Continuum Explained
Are You Committed To Your Marriage?
Sleep and Emotional Regulation
Couples Counseling, Who Needs It?
Mindfulness: Purposeful Awareness In Relationships
Confidentiality - How It Works In Therapy
Freedom and Maturity With Developing Adolescents
July 23, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
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Teenagers
bring with them a capacity to risk and explore their world similar
to when they were toddlers. The difficulty is, most teens want
the freedom of egocentric toddlers without the responsibility
they need to bear as they are approaching young adulthood. Parents
hope that as their son or daughter matures, he/she will meet
developmental milestones and become more stable; making sound
judgments and decisions in school, family relationships, and
life overall. I find with young men I work with, that they often
are unaware of the gross misunderstanding they often espouse
about what being responsible truly means. Many report their
parents stand in the way and that things would be better if
parents would extend more freedom and be less controlling. In
the oppositional teen, freedom attached to choice or responsibility
is incomprehensible, as teens often feel they are simply entitled
to it. Parents must help guide adolescents to learn that freedom
comes with a price, responsibility.
The generally accepted criteria of adulthood in western culture
is understood as a three-tiered framework. Healthy adults generally
accept responsibility for their actions; make independent decisions,
and are financially independent. Granted, this doesn’t
happen all of the time but a majority of the time in healthy
adults. Ironically, in light of the aforementioned ‘definition’
as considered by theorists, many teens feel they are entitled
to freedom just like their parents without any responsibility.
They learn freedom comes from responsible decision making.
Freedom descends upon them when and if they can handle and manage
responsibility. For example, freedom from pressing homework
deadlines is inseparably connected to planning and study prior
to the night before homework is due. Doing well academically
does not befall one no matter how much one feels entitled to
it. It will not come without embracing responsibility first!
Parents can facilitate their child’s understanding of
freedom in several ways. Speaking and permitting choices based
on the level of what they can manage is foundational. Teens
can then come to know that from freedom is not an entitlement
but actually an outcome of what they can handle responsibly.
Speaking and parenting in this manner helps them realize that
in fact their freedoms being restricted or offered are not a
function of the parent but rather flow out of the nature and
level of the teen can handle. Adolescents can learn deeply that
from freedom flows greater responsibility and in order to amplify
choices one must first begin living responsibility.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: teen, parenting, choice
Worthiness: A Key To Overpowering Depression
April 26, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
I
was at a conference for therapists last week and listened to
various workshops put on by therapists presenting on their counseling
with people in conjunction to what they are finding helps people
heal based on research. One such topic was given by Brene’
Brown, a therapist I came to respect based on her research with
belonging and attachment in relationships.
The gist
of what she shared at the in her presentation was about the
issue of worthiness. What she found was that most individuals
that struggle with depression and attachment in relationships
struggle internally with the notion of worthiness. Worthiness
is defined as ones feeling that they have the value and intrinsic
worth that as a human being they deserve and can own love and
attachment with others. The research is clear that individuals
that struggle with depression struggle to subconsciously feel
worthy of a better life, worthy of a stable marriage, worthy
of having kids that respect them, etc. The variables that came
out strongly in Brene’s research indicated that those that
have weaker attachments with others and depression did in fact
also have a similar thread that of feeling unworthy, that they
did not deserve to have a life of peace and happiness. You may
say, “I don’t feel that way, I deserve happiness now.”
My retort is, do you? Do you deeply feel you are worthy now,
worthy to feel love from others, worthy to feel confident, worthy
and deserving to be passionate? Most do not, they do not since
they are socialized as children to deal with guilt, shame, and
doubt the trio that fuels depression and sadness in adults.
I meet with adults and teens daily, working and guiding them
in battling their foes. The foes they feud often are fueled
at their core by the trio I mentioned above. In order to find
peace and battle sadness and depression they must tackle the
foes first in order to make any headway.
So how does
one combat the issue of feeling unworthy and undeserving? You
begin by noting the things in your mind and in writing that
you feel worthy of now. Go ahead, literally write it down, list
what you feel worth of and start reading that list daily. Now
this is not mere hype and self-hypnosis, this is affirming what
you know and believe now. As you do, you will be more open to
the things you do not feel worthy of. Also, moving into a position
of thinking that you do deserve things. Do so by saying to yourself,
internally or otherwise, “I deserve this.” At times
if the negative thoughts are too pervasive you’ll need
to challenge them by stating and saying you are worthy even
if you don’t feel like it. Olympic athletes to this, they
act, speak, and live a vision of winning in order to do so.
So, don’t
hold back, instead start thinking and being worthy in your thoughts
and actions. The worthiness will come. You must start believing
first and create space in your mind and heart for that to happen.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: depression,
anxiety
Boundaries:
What They Are and How to Create Them
FEBRUARY 26, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
Boundaries
are unwritten and unspoken lines that mark where you begin and
end in relation to where others begin and end emotionally and
physically. For example, we have clothing as a boundary not
only to protect our skin but as a physical cue and symbol that
you are you and that is where you begin. Boundaries take on
many forms: physical, emotional, sexual and intellectual. I'll
explain about the specifics of these boundaries in more detail
below. Healthy boundaries are the groundwork for a growing stable
relationship. Knowing where you begin and where others end is
a key understanding that allows individuals to listen, respect,
and honor others ideas and behaviors that are different from
their own. Individuals that have unclear boundaries often trample
emotionally on others as they don't have a good sense of where
the boundaries are and how to engage in relationships due to
their own boundary confusion. Boundaries help differentiate
us from others and help us clarify who we are and what we are
about. Those that do have a clear sense of their core Self can
also more clearly speak and share their needs and hopes with
those they love. They will thus have a strong sense of their
own identity and be able to honor the unique traits and identity
of others. Individuals that have a solid sense of their own
core Self and their own boundaries also typically do not feel
threatened by the intimacy/closeness of the relationship. They
also can allow others to think and do differently than them
and be ok with it.
Boundaries
are the unwritten but often felt lines that we as human beings
draw and sense with others. Boundaries help us stand up for
ourselves, protect our thoughts/feelings, demarcate when you
end other others begin, and they help us only decide what we
really do want without being hurtful or pushed into things by
others.
Boundaries
help to define who we are and who we are not. They keep us separate
yet connected in our relationships and help relationships grow
and blossom. Boundaries also help people to regulate the personal
space of their relationships. All individuals need time and
space to take care of themselves outside their relationships.
They are able to do so when they have a clear set of boundaries
on how they operate with others. These boundaries, once set,
can allow and educate others on what you are comfortable with
and what works for you. Other will then know better what to
expect from you, how to react when relating with you, and what
role they plan within that relationship. Boundaries are in constant
flux. Ones sexual boundaries are clearly different with a spouse
than with coworkers. The nature of physical boundaries in one
setting at work or in community settings will be very different
that what is health and appropriate at home.
Four Primary Boundaries
Physical
- allows one to define and understand who will touch you, how
they can or can't touch you, and when you can be touched, and
how close others can be in proximity to you and you still feel
comfortable. .
Sexual –
You choose who and when to share your sexuality with, how you
talk about sexuality, who you share your sexual thoughts/feels
with. Sexual boundaries include more than sex itself. Sexual
boundaries include innuendoes, jokes, gestures that you watch
and listen to.
Emotional
– my feelings/thoughts need to be protected. Ones emotional
boundaries do include how others talk to and treat you and how
they respect your emotions. Your boundaries also include how
you see and honor others emotional boundaries.
Intellectual
– boundaries protect ones thought processes and intellect.
You protect how others talk with you, how your ideas and thoughts
are honored or considered.
| People
with Unhealthy Boundaries |
People
with Healthy Boundaries |
| Can't
stand up for themselves |
Stand
up with their own thoughts/feelings |
| Can't
separate thoughts/feels from others thoughts and feelings
often resulting in debate and argument |
Allow
others to have different thoughts/ideas and listen to them
even if they don't agree |
| Don't
say 'no', afraid of hurting others |
Can
say no, don't worry about others views |
| Feel
responsible for others feelings become defensive when others
don't agree with them |
Own
their own feels and allow others to have their own views |
| Easily
hurt by others, can't assert self |
Can
protect themselves and others don't impact their esteem |
| Wait
for others to take care of their needs |
Assert
themselves and take care of their own needs. |
| Become
upset with others thoughts/ideas |
Can
manage others thinking and doing different than them. |
Boundaries
are in constant flux depending on the relationship you're in
and the nature of that relationship. As you develop healthy
relationships and clear healthy boundaries you can then have
the benefits that come from genuine healthy connection with
others without the obstacles of hurt feelings, walking on egg
shells, and other symptoms that come as a result of unhealthy
or unclear boundaries. If you feel you need help creating, defining,
or managing your relationships and the boundaries connected
to them schedule an appointment with me, I'd be happy to help
you along in your journey.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: relationships,
assertiveness, boundaries, emotional safety
How Do I Know If I Need Couples or Marriage
Counseling?
JANUARY 29, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
Often
individuals feel they may be candidates for counseling but are
not sure and don't want to make things worse. I have had many
clients that reported being worried prior to coming in for counseling
that they might make things worse if they stirred things up and
spoke out about their marriage and the issues within it. While
this concern is understandable from a laymen's perspective, it
is based on several assumptions that typically are not solid supports.
For example, avoiding and continuing in the same old patterns
does not make things better, often they get worse as conflict
and hurt feelings linger over time. Generally the intention in
couples counseling is to move beyond the mere 'content' of the
issues and instead take a deeper look at the 'process' of how
it is happening and why it is happening. As the patterns become
illuminated and needs/wants are explored mutual understanding
is fostered and mending begins to occur. Learning how to attend
to your partners needs and learning to listen in new ways independent
of how long you have been married can help restore harmony and
stop deep seeded patterns that have been living within the marriage
and preventing closeness and love. Where blended families, addiction,
and other complicating factors exist more working-through is required
to iron out the core issues and guide you through them.
You might be a good candidate for couples or marriage counseling
if ... (this list is not complete but has a few of the larger
issues listed)
- Often when
you attempt to communicate with each other it turns into a fight.
- To prevent
conflict you avoid communicating about difficult topics.
- Same debates/arguments
continue over and over with no resolution.
- There has
been infidelity in real-time, online, or in workplace relationships.
- One spouse
is addicted to online gaming, hobbies, pornography, etc and
it is tearing the marriage apart
- You feel
you cannot open up and share with your spouse. You're not emotionally
safe.
- Intimacy
and passion are not what they used to be.
- Often you
fell disconnected and wonder why you are married and if you'd
be happier single.
- You struggle
to communicate and understand your spouse.
- Dealing
with past hurts and in need of help working through it.
- You are
considering divorce or separation.
The list above
is a small snapshot of common issues that couples bring into my
office. Most issues are not listed but I listed above some of
the more common ones. If you feel you are in need of counseling
you likely are. If you are in doubt, schedule a time to visit
with me and I can make an assessment as to what your clinical
needs are and how I can be of help to you.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: marriage
counseling, couple counseling, marriage help
Aspirations:
Goal Setting and Achievement in 2010
JANUARY 6, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
Each
year hundred of individuals set goals with hopes to have a brighter
future and healthier relationships. Generally speaking, most venture
in with good intentions to attain and achieve but rarely know
what their goals are by late spring, and have completely forgotten
them by summer. I think of goals that are not written down as
mere wishes. Hopes that the "goal" or wish will somehow
come to fruition by setting it is futile. In my time working with
clients, I find that they often use holidays, birthdays, or other
time-bound markers to set end dates with for the achievement of
their goals. The difficulty for most is that the goals often are
nebulous and unclear and only have a solid end date. I heard of
S.M.A.R.T goals some time ago and suggest using a smart goal format
when charting your agenda and goal setting for the upcoming year.
Each year is like another chapter of your life, you get to author
it and write your story. SMART stands for specific, measurable,
attainable, realistic and timely. Individuals that follow this
format and actually write it down and refer to it along their
journey are much more likely to to achieve results than those
who merely wish and hope to achieve. Some time ago I created a
template for simple smart-goal setting, you
can get a copy here, one of the many resources I offer via
the site online. Don't set simply goals that you won't attain,
instead work smarter not harder and achieve what you desire!
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: goal
setting, achievement
Social
Anxiety During The Holidays
DECEMBER 26, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
The
holidays are filled with gatherings, work parties, socials, and
church events, all activities typically enjoyed by all. For some
though, they are not events that bring nostalgia and excitement.
Individuals that suffer and deal with social anxiety find these
events troubling and more of a chore than a longed-for reunion
with family and friends. Social anxiety is more than shyness or
occasional nerves. It is fueled by feeling that you will again
experience symptoms of anxiety, fear, and overwhelming nervousness
that is not only uncomfortable but may be noticed by others. You
may be said to being dealing with social anxiety if you experience
these feelings and they effect your daily life. Most individuals
want to fit in with their friends and family and don't want to
be judged or embarrassed. Those with social anxiety have normal
fears but they are amplified and can be overwhelming. Feeling
like others may judge or compare you in social situations are
tenets that characterize this social struggled. In fact, when
in new or awkward social situations the anxiety levels can soar
to harmful levels and individuals have a physical experience as
a result of the emotional process. For example, stomach issues,
sweating, and bowel complications can result with untreated anxiety.
Some of the most common symptoms of social anxiety are: worrying
days or weeks before a particular social event, fear of being
judged, watched, or embarrassed by others, and fear that others
will notice the anxiety. Research indicates that Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy or CBT is the most effective treatment for conditions
of anxiety and depression. CBT is based on the premise that what
you think affects how you feel, and your feelings impact your
behavior. Therefore if you can alter the way you think about social
situations that fuel and create anxiety, you’ll feel much
better and can manage anxieties that attempt to arise. Thought
restructuring, systematic desensitization, relaxation and self-soothing
techniques are only a few of the ways you can break through the
anxiety and reclaim your life all of which I can guide you through.
Peace and calm are possible during social events, particularly
ones during the holidays. If you struggle with social awkwardness
or social anxiety you may want to schedule an appointment for
an assessment in my office and get some guidance working through
the issues. You'll be glad you did.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: insecurity,
fear, social
anxiety
Insecurity - The Fuel of Relational Conflict
DECEMBER 20, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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One
of the core components of reactivity and defensiveness is personal
insecurity. I work with individuals that often share how family
or friends are often reactive relative to them. The difficulty
with defensive individuals is that they feel they are just protecting
themselves from another, that their defensiveness with their spouse
or teen or coworker is merely a function of their defending how
they are right. What I have found in working with scores of clients
over the years, is that defensiveness is really a loud cue that
one has had an insecurity touched or exposed and the reactivity
is not necessarily about being right. So, individuals that are
defensive and reactive to others in their relationships often
see others as an extension of themselves. Now, I am not claiming
they see others as a leg or arm but rather as an emotional extension.
When these insecure individuals are challenged or given feedback
they react defensively and in an effort to hide the deeper seeded
insecurity.
Part
of helping couples abate and curb chronic conflict is by helping
them not only attend to each other emotionally but to help them
as individuals become more aware of who they are and develop
a personal internal sense of security with themselves. For example,
a couple I worked with told me how of one such incident: the
husband came into the kitchen and asked his wife in a jovial
way where all the brownies went by saying, "Hey, honey
(with a smile), did you eat all my brownies?". His wife
responded defensively with, "What, what are you trying
to say, I am fat?" Upon our discussion in session, the
woman told me she felt her husband was saying she was fat and
that he was being sarcastic with her. After exploring the husbands
view, he stated he was not concerned or commenting on her weight
but where his brownies were! His wife was in dance in high school
and due to her own family of origin issues was highly insecure
to any comments or views by others around her weight. Her insecurity
led to other fears and faulty perceptions of others and a small
sense of inner-core insecurity snowballed into other insecurities.
In time, the wife found other comments by her husband as critical
and responded defensively. The brownies are irrelevant here
and so is her weight; the key here is inner insecurities fuel
hypersensitivity to be overly worried about the thoughts, words,
and actions of others.
Allowing
others to have their own thoughts and feelings while still being
secure enough in yourself and your thoughts to not see them
or their thoughts as an extension of yours as they are not!
So, again, defensiveness and reactivity are a sign of inner
insecurity. Working on yourself and come to terms with who you
are, what you do, and who you are becoming can aid you in better
being centered and balanced and assist you in less reactivity
and defensiveness in your relationships.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
insecurity, conflict, relationships
Parenting
Styles - Rigid, Lax, or Somewhere Inbetween?
DECEMBER 9, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Parents
gladly receive children into their lives eager to teach and
guide them. Fond hopes are created and dreams planned as their
child begins to grow and develop. The difficulty is, kids don't
arrive with an owners manual. So, most parents by default end
up parenting based on their own experience they learned consciously
or not from their families of origin. I often meet with parents
concerned about the interactions they are having with their
teen and how they might best deal with them. One consistent
pattern I find is that parents are drawing on a reservoir of
knowledge based on their own reality, their own upbringing.
They coach, discipline, and otherwise teach their children and
teens based on tenets they feel will help their child. Often
these tenets or principles are laden with family history and
are not necessarily used by the parent based on its effectiveness
but due to the parent's familiarity with the parent. Take for
example a client I'll call Rob. He was an executive with his
company and fairly well educated. He expected his son to be
a hard worker and one that is goal-driven. I was seeing his
son who was in his late teens. His son was apathetic with most
chores at home and often was flaky and otherwise checked out
when it came to keeping on task with responsibilities and relationships.
Rob would often try and lecture his son with hopes that good
strong rational visit would get some 'sense' into his son. What
he didn't realize was that his son was aware of his success
financially as a father and often resented internally that he
could not measure up and to make matters worse his father was
consistently lecturing him. So, we have a cycle; a son that
resents and avoids and a father that continues to lecture with
hopes his son will one day 'get it'. Parenting is less about
a specific approach and more about the parent's being able to
locate and enter what I call teaching windows, moments when
the child is teachable and is apt to listen and actually hear
you. Looking for these windows and studying your child or teen's
temperament will best help you engage in ways that they can
hear and ultimately follow.
Often parents get stuck in cycles of lax parenting or pal-parenting.
These parents struggle to draw boundaries and are more of a
friend and end up with kids that don't respect them and kids
that often manipulate and take advantage of the parents lax
and peer status. Other parents are at the other extreme, they
are rigid and hypercritical. These parents are demanding and
often critical of their children/teens. They see their child
as one that should follow; often fear and demands are tactics
used to change behavior by these parents. The last paradigm
that is actually the most helpful is a balance between the two.
It is referred to as authoritative parenting. It is clear yet
open; firm yet loving; consistent yet flexible. These parents
open up choice and discussion with children and are not easily
manipulated nor are they easily angered. They remain calm and
speak clearly and are not worried about saying no yet still
are not rigid in demanding things their way.
It
is through a parent's studying and understanding their teen's
temperament and then working to engage as an authoritative parent
that one can find harmony and unity in parenting. Diana Baumrind,
a psychology theorist, developed three models of parenting.
I have included a document on
it here in my document archive. Teenagers are often difficult
as they seem to become autonomous in their relationships yet
when parents employ authoritative parenting coupled with solid
understanding of their child's disposition (and all are different!)
parenting can be a smoother more enjoyable ride!
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
parenting, teenagers,
adolescents, parenting a teenager
My Spouse Won't Come To Counseling, Now
What?
NOVEMBER 25, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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Often
when relationships are conflicted or distant one member of the
relationship recommends counseling as a part of conversation,
usually when things are loaded and a feud is underway. It is
not uncommon for one spouse to be ready and the other resists
or balks at the request. The layman's assumption is that counseling
needs to occur with both spouses present. This premise is true
that both members of the marital dyad make up the marriage and
that both play a role in the 'dance' of communication and relationship.
Often though this premise grows awry. One spouse may think,
"I am unhappy because of the things he does" or "She
needs to change in order for me to be happy". As long as
you subscribe to these statements, you are focused on your spouse's
issues rather than on your own issues. In fact, this focus on
your partner's actions rather than on your own is a way of avoiding
responsibility for your role in the relationship and struggles
you are having.
If
you are having problems in a relationship or in your marriage
and your spouse won't come, then you go! As a key part of the
counseling process you will need to evaluate what you are doing
that is fueling or contributing to the unhappiness you are having
rather than just what your spouse is doing. Exploring, understanding,
and ferreting through your own feelings and role in the patterns
is crucial to you abandoning the faulty ways of thinking/acting
and can help propel you into a fresher healthier marriage.
When
one spouse is in counseling and making changes it can impact
the entire relationship. If you learn to own your own feelings
and needs you can impact more globally in the marriage how your
partner responds to you. Many find that as they “look in”
at themselves they are able to spend less time “looking
out” at their spouse and the other spouse begins to make
small changes on their own. Marriages are a system, like a child's
mobile. If one part is impacted the entire relationship will
resonate. When one spouse changes and continues to do so the
other subconsciously begins to do so as well in most cases.
You cannot change your spouse but you can change you and impact
the very marriage you are a part of. Simple consistent changes
in yourself, your thinking, and your behavior can and will impact
your marriage and foster overall change for the couple and eventually
help heal the relationship and ideally persuade the other spouse
to join you in counseling to make more profound changes to the
marriage.
When each partner in a relationship begins to own their own
behavior and take full responsibility for their own feelings
and needs, they leave neediness and blame behind and are able
to share their love with each other.
Some questions to think about:
• How do you typically respond to your spouse's behavior
that you don't like?
• Do you find that you are reactive to your spouse's rude
or critical behavior with your own unloving behavior, and then
find yourself blaming your spouse for your reactions?
• Are you being realistic about who your spouse is? Are
you expecting your spouse to be someone he or she is not or
doesn’t want to be?
• Are you making your happiness/peace dependent on your
spouse?
• Are you taking responsibility for yourself and the emotions
you are experiencing?
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: marriage
counseling, couple counseling, marriage help
Depression:
Fueled by Sadness and Self-defeating Thoughts
NOVEMBER 12, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Depression
is a condition that is fueled by several factors. More often
than not, laypersons think that depression is a result of a
chemical imbalance based on discussion and rumor in layperson
circles. Actually, it is not technically known what causes depression
but we have a few solid leads on that issue.
Depression can be fueled or caused by physical changes in the
body or brain, by thoughts and experiences, and also by environments
or settings. For example, individuals that suffer an injury,
such as a traumatic brain injury, can have drastic changes in
mood and emotional regulation. Chemicals and body balance following
the birth of a child can induce postpartum depression in women.
Likewise, thoughts that are gloomy, negative, and disparaging
can fuel the body and mind into a slump of gloom and depression.
Lastly, depression can be onset by trauma and conditions that
are abusive to ones body or spirit, such as living in an abusive
home or being emotionally abused by a spouse or family member.
Therapy and medication helps to manage depression when it begins
to fuel relational and internal problems with individuals. In
fact cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT has shown remarkable
outcomes in patients not on medication. Patients on medication
report with newer SSRIs such as Lexapro much fewer symptoms
and greater gains in mood stabilization. In recent years, outcome
research on the impact of endorphins and exercise and it's mellowing
effect on the mind/body connection clearly indicate that an
active regular exercise program does combat depression as effectively
in many cases as medication.
Alternatively, you could take a Beck Depression Inventory assessment
and have your levels of depression measured, counselors offer
these assessments to gauge ones depression levels. I'd also
recommend visiting with a therapist, as they are expert at ferreting
through and helping persons manage irrational and self-defeating
thoughts, the primary fuel for depression. I recommend medication
as an alternative and supplement in certain situations not a
solution. Therapy is clearly the first step then possibly medication.
Medication without counseling is merely a band-aid over the
problem and is simply lingers beneath the surface.
I've worked
with many clients that struggle with depression that has lingered
for years, and with some working through in session are able
to find meaning, understanding, and ultimately healing from
the depression. When doing CBT I measure the depression levels
at each session and chart the treatment in ways that assure
progress and depression abatement can occur. Healing is possible,
leave your depression behind by gaining the tools and skills
to conquer it.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: depression,
medication, irrational thoughts
The
Facebook Fuss - Frustrated Friendships?
NOVEMBER 9, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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Is
facebook complicating relationships? Many are connecting online
with old friends, distant family, and unfortunately at times
old flames. Problem is, these relationships are not in 'real'
time they are virtual relationships, ones maintained and fostered
online.
I
spoke to a few individuals recently and one person in particular
did sheepishly admit to me that she intentionally posts pictures
on her Facebook for accolades and praise of others. She feels
that she still does not measure up and wants to show the world,
mainly friends, that she is valuable and she does have a decent
life. We went on to process during the discussion that it is
more about her proving to herself she is valuable and hiding
behind putting it up to 'simply' share with others. Now, don't
mistake, not all Facebookers are emotionally underdeveloped
but this great networking tool can be a haven for such persons.
The profile photo is one such indicator. Have you noticed the
men and women that have near-glamour shots for their profile
image? We are not talking about an image with their spouse or
one of them with their kids but a photo of them in a 'hey-look-at-me-i-am-so-beautiful'
kind of photos. If you are a social networker I caution you
to be aware of your networking time and don't develop and foster
a sense of core-Self based on trite comments online or simpleton
surveys people create. Instead, use social networking to build
your relationships and catch up and stay connected; remember
to ensure you are not shying away from what is key, physical
real time human relationships.
Elizabeth Bernstein recently wrote an article that hit home
with me and I resonated with similar sentiments in her article
on WallStreet Journals online site, www.wsj.com. Here is a small
piece of her article that captures the essence of what she offered
that I felt compelled to include in this article. "Like
many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of
loved ones-you know who you are-who claim they are too busy
to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend
hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children
or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes
nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts.
("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?")"
She couldn't of said it better. My individuals that didn't really
develop a core Self earlier in their development are using Facebook
to support their underdeveloped ego and esteem. She was right
on the mark in her article at WallStreet
Journal's online site. If you're a facebooker, ensure you
keep your primary relationships 'real-time' and avoid the virtual
world of connecting except for occasional updates and photo
exchanges.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: facebook,
social networking, relationships
Stepping
Into The Dark - Risk Taking
NOVEMBER 1, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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What
makes taking risks so difficult? I’ve often heard clients,
family, friends, and others talk about the difficulty in taking
risks; in trying something difficult; in stepping into the unknown.
Anxiety
and trepidation is fueled by irrational thoughts. Thoughts like,
“I can’t do that, it is far to difficult.” or
“That’s not me, he can do that but I don’t have
what it takes.” It is these thought processes or cognitions,
as therapists call them, that hedge up and keep people from
being bold; from doing things they hope and dream of doing but
do not. What are you wanting to do but have not stepped up and
done? What is holding you back, might it be the irrational internal
beliefs that you can’t do it or doubts you’ve had?
The age old adage, “as a man thinketh, so is he” hold
true. Your thoughts very much influence what you believe and
visa versa. Don’t allow your spirit to be bound by doubts
and fears, but instead liberate it by stepping into the unknown.
Take a risk and jump in, you’d be surprised how you can
do it!
I recall
a favorite gem from a book I read years ago that highlights
this idea. “I think you really should make a radical change
in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may
previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant
to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances
and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation
because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity,
and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace
of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous
spirit within a man than a secure future.” – Jon Krakauer,
Into the Wild
So, author
a new chapter in the journey of your life. Start risking and
leave the simple conformity and comfort and be bold with your
aspirations. The human spirit feeds on new experiences, new
challenges, and new opportunities. What are you avoiding or
holding from back that you’ve wanted? Embrace your challenges,
be bold!
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: anxiety,
conformity, fear, risk
Your
First Therapy Session
OCTOBER 22, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
It has been
my experience that new clients are often unsure what to expect
in the first counseling session. At times, they feel doubt about
what to say or do. There can be nervousness or anxiety about
opening up to someone you’re meeting for the first time,
especially when you find that you are sharing difficulties you
may not have discussed with anyone else.
The first
session is an opportunity for both the therapist and the client
to get a sense of each other and whether they can work well
together. Research indicates that the therapeutic fit between
client and therapist is a crucial element to the change process.
As the client,
you will want to see how comfortable you feel in the presence
of the therapist you are working with. You are not expected
to trust the therapist completely from the beginning, but you
should be able to have a sense of him or her as someone you
could trust over time. The counselor tries to get an overall
sense of the new client in the first session – what difficulties
they’re dealing with currently, what has occurred in their
past, how they view themselves, and perhaps some background
about their childhood and subsequent relationships. The first
session is often an assessment on many levels. The therapist
assesses what your needs are and then gleans a sense of your
therapeutic needs and how the therapist can help guide and support
you in session.
It’s
also ok to ask questions of the therapist. What is their background
and training? What is their style of working? What types of
clients do they work with? These types of questions will give
you a better sense of the therapist’s perspective and experience.
It is imperative that you have a sense that the therapist understands
and can work with you to help you make the changes you want
in your life. It can be a relief to rid yourself of the things
you’ve been bearing on your own.
Again, some
trepidation or angst prior to your first session is normal.
Don’t let the anxiety about meeting with a therapist keep
you from the peace you are seeking.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Tags: assessment, counseling,
st george, utah
Grief
and Loss: Understanding Bonding & Attachment
SEPTEMBER 18, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Most
individuals experience loss at some level at some point in their
lives. Loss of a friend or of a pet is a common experience for
children as they grow and develop. What makes loss difficult
is primarily due to the attachments or bonds that are created
when we relate and become close to others. These bonds help
us feel safe and secure. Over time we develop a sense of normalcy
as we interact with individuals that we are attached too.
I recently
sold my home and moved out of a neighborhood my wife and I both
loved. The neighbors and our family were very tight-knit. The
kids often played together and goofed around as young children
do. I drove by after we sold the home and felt a longing and
sense of loss having moved away from friends and an area we
had become attached to. Neighborhood parties, kids riding bikes,
fathers mingling out in front yards, and children's toys scattered
about the neighborhood were common. As a family, we moved through
a process of loss. Grieving was short but nevertheless it was
a loss to past attachments to friends, memories, and a sense
of safety.
Grief and
loss are closely associated but different elements of mourning.
Loss occurs when we lose or become distant from someone or something
we have a significant attachment to. Loss does not only occur
at the death of a loved one or when we move away. Loss can occur
when expectations are not met or attachments are severely weakened.
For example, I was seeing a teenage boy who had a long history
of loss and grief he was not fully aware of. He was living with
his father after his parents divorced. His mother and father
fought much and ended up ending the marriage. The conflict between
his parents was fueled most often by his mother's drinking.
This young man developed some negative ways of coping with this
loss, the loss of his mother. He did not and could not at that
age interpret and sort out his own loss and impending grief.
He was aware of the discomfort and heartache around the divorce
in his own soul but had little ability to process and make meaning
from what was occurring. He attempted repairing his hurt feelings
and to avoid that pain by fantasizing about how much she loved
him and that things were in fact ok. Often in sessions he would
make excuses about how she is just 'busy' and can't be around
for him. In time he began to see the depth of her problem with
alcohol as he entered adolescence. He could not rectify these
fantasies of her being present and loving in his life as in
reality she was emotionally and physically absent. As he grew
older he started smoking marijuana with peers to 'chill out'
in an attempt to deal with this loss and the reality that was
settling in on his conscious mind. Coping in unhealthy ways
is a symptom of loss and then grief that is unresolved.
If you've had difficulty with a particular loss or are grieving
the death of a loved one and are having trouble working through
the loss please contact me for an appointment and I can assist
you. I can help guide you into moving forward with wholeness
and peace. My clinical experience has also helped to broaden
my understanding of the complexities and nature of grief and
loss. Hope is possible; it will take work and time but you can
reach closure and find meaning.
If you'd
like more details on loss and grieving you can read my entire
online article (long version), about the stages of loss and
how attachment and bonding play a key role in dealing with and
healing. My full length
article is located here.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
grief and loss,
death, bonding, attachment, bereavement, st george grief counselor
Communication
Continuum Explained
AUGUST 18, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Communication is the venue by which individuals share and exchange
information about their perceptions, feelings, and thoughts.
It is imperative that individuals learn to engage and connect
with others in ways that promote healthy relationships and bonding
within them. Many adolescents I work with and adults alike struggle
to communication in ways that are supportive of their relationships.
I
find with that when individuals have some conceptualization
of how they are communicating it is easier for them to identify
patterns that have kept them stuck in ruts that keep them from
the happiness and relational harmony. I think of one couple
I worked with that had a specific pattern/style. A critical
remark would be make about one thing or another and the husband
would shut down. His wife would feel bad for the comments and
apologize. He'd continue to be hurt and give her the silent
treatment. He's engage in passive and withdrawn behavior claiming
he'd been hurt all the while giving her the silent treatment
for days. His wife needs help to attend to him and speak more
kindly and he needs to not punish her when she slips up with
a critical comment. We were able to identify and help each partner
in the relationship begin to learn to assertively speak to one
another, especially around emotionally loaded issues in their
marriage. They in time found that they could talk about any
topic and stay calm and avoid the critical comments. During
this same window of time, they were rekindling feelings of genuine
love and concern for one another that helped to reinforce and
support their newfound ways to communicating with one another.
I
have created a document that helps you identify different types
of communication. It can be a guide in assisting you in understanding
and altering the ways you communicate. Get your own print copy
of my communication continuum
here.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: communication,
passive, aggressive, assertive, relationships
Are
You Committed To Your Marriage?
AUGUST 2, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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In
my practice as a therapist I often work with couples that are
seeking help with their relationship to one another. Old patterns
of conflict, struggles with in-laws, insecurities that erupt
into verbally caustic battles are often what lead them to seek
help. They would not land in session if they were not committed
on some level to each other, thus they seek profession guidance
to repair and mend their relationship.
The culture
we live, interact, and engage with daily is often governed by
a throwaway mentality. For example, when was the last time you
had a pair of shoes repaired? If it comes undone, torn, or worn
we get a new one. The social context we live in has made it
fairly easy to give up on all kinds of things, including marriage
and the commitment in the marriage. The things we struggle with,
work at, and dedicate ourselves to are the things we hold dearest
to our hearts. The union and bonding that occurs in rich fulfilling
marriages can not be manifest in written word, it can most often
only be felt.
Committed
husbands and wives in a marriage relationship may initially
just want the have a calm happy marriage, but over time as they
pour in their hopes, dreams, and hearts to their marriage, their
expectations lift to new heights. They don't settle for just
a "good enough marriage," they strive for excellence.
Committed partners nourish their marriage by service, affection,
kindness, and intimacy. If your marriage is in need of mending,
don't throw it away. Instead, size up your commitment and start
today to work on building what you started, you'll find that
it is possible yet does take patience and work.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
change, marriage
counseling, marriage, st George, commitment
Sleep
& Emotional Regulation
JULY 15, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Sleep
is one of the most key elements in emotional and relational
health. Sleep is a process within which your body rejuvenates.
I am not referencing merely resting, it is a time when the body-mind
repairs itself. It is during rapid eye movement or REM that
you actually rest and your body is restored.
We live
in a time when technology and demands for our time has never
been greater on individuals, couples, and families. Persons
experiencing emotional or relational distress are often lacking
in their sleep. Sleep does not often cause these problems but
is a catalyst to conflict in relationships if not managed and
honored. Erratic and inconsistent sleep can fuel a lack of rational
reasoning and prompt reactivity in relationships. Research indicates
that the average adult needs eight hours of sleep to be fully
healthy and have access to your emotional resources and to be
able to regulate smoothly ones emotions. You can often get by
with a bit more or less but over time it does and will catch
up with you. This is called sleep debt, a lack of that builds
up like accrued debt and wears on ones ability to regulate emotion.
Often I
find that individuals and couples in relationships find themselves
fighting when they are tired and lacking sleep. Clients report
of debates and caustic statements that are made late in the
evening or when they are struggling with a history of sleep
debt. These statements are often impulsive and quickly undermine
the relationship.
Get your
sleep! Not simply to feel rested per se, but to have all your
cognitive and emotional resources at your disposal. Want more
information on sleep? Get more details about sleep, levels of
sleep, sleep debt, etc at this external
link
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: sleep,
relationships, emotional
regulation
Couples
Counseling, Who Needs it?
JULY 8, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Many
marry with hopes of memories and many years of love and connection
with their spouse. Marriage often starts with a bang: flowers,
ceremony, family, then off to the honeymoon. Too often, couples
lack the skills to keep the ’spark’ they started with
when they first married. Many factors enter in and make marriage
more than just two lovers; jobs, children, hobbies, church activities,
etc can create quite the juggling act for couples. Many, if
they are not centered and personally emotionally healthy find
themselves still married yet at times not happily married. Sad
thing is, many don’t seek help.
Often couples
don’t come into therapy due to the stigma that it appears
to carry in certain cultures. Within Christian culture there
tends to be a stigma in some areas that therapists are for those
that are failing at home or that “just need to live their
faith”. Unhappy couples are not necessarily unstable, many
can be very stable. In my practice I see very stable marriages
that also are very unhappy. You’d ask, “How can it
be stable if they are unhappy?” Well, the prospects of
divorce especially with kids in aren’t very good. Couple
conflict and divorce still runs in our culture as much as some
want to say it does not, and it is on the rise. While having
the answers and some self-help books does help, many couples
are locked in emotional gridlock can’t see with clarity
due to hurt, contention, and at times bitterness thus stumble
through their marriage with petty fights and quarrels that often
are not ever resolved nor do they gain skills to prevent them
in the future. These couples, no matter how many answers they
feel they have, often cannot get patterns worked out. Patterns
are ways of living that have become part of the emotional ‘dance’
or groove that couples fall into out of habit. The fact is,
that some of the most solid marriages are of couples that do
work on their relationship and those that do still at times
experience some turbulence value their marriage high enough
that they seek outside help. We are not talking months of therapy,
but often 4-7 sessions to iron old or existing issues out and
gain skills to better meet their spouse’s needs. With some
couples that have more deep seeded issues from their families
of origin or due to years of conflict and hurt, it may take
longer to ferret out the past and start re-authoring new ideas,
new believes, and then new ways of behaving in the marriage.
Some resources
I suggest you look into if you want solid professional guidance
for your marriage but want to do so through some personal reading
first are by John Gottman. He’s a marriage expert, one
I reference as such. He has written a book I read over a decade
ago when it just hit the press and I have referred couples to
countless times. The book chronicles the important elements
of not merely fixing or building marriage but gives solid sound
guidance in making it work. Many self-help books provide a laundry
list of what I call sunshine theories, ideas that will help
your marriage for a day then just when the sun sets it fades.
The text is called The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide
from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
and provides insights about what makes marriage last. This book
can help, but if the patterns are really deep often books like
this can support but it takes counseling to work through them.
Finding
a good couples counselor is key; one that balances ferreting
through the past and working in the now. What I mean by ‘working
in the now’ is that they help you and your spouse in the
present to gain skills, tools, and awareness of your dynamics
and patterns. I spend time assessing the marriage but then move
into helping you make changes now! Time and finances are tight
for many most of the time. Making the most of your time and
your marriage is part of what I and other solid therapists do.
Many ask,
“Well, what if my partner won’t work on it? Good question,
many ask themselves this and often feel stuck. Often stating,
“Why would I want to work on my marriage if he/she doesn’t
want to work on it. It won’t work!” I hear that often
and the fact is that often you must start with you. Dragging
your spouse in or begging usually doesn’t net good results
initially anyway so taken from a long-term perspective you’d
be best off starting to change you. Typically trying to change
small things about you is something you can control and does
make an impact on the relationship. I’m not talking about
moving mountains here either; I am talking about you beginning
to change your tone and body language when you talk. Simple
adjustments you can make today that will have a profound impact
on how your spouse sees and interacts with you. Small changes
do provide a softening that can allow and create space for larger
shifts to occur and discussions to be had.
Feel free
to visit with me more about your marriage. If you’re not
looking for a major overhaul or couples therapy regarding your
relationship, that is fine. I offer a 4-session marital tune-up
as well, for strong couples that want to work out a few kinks
and fortify the solid foundation they have.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
change, couples
counseling, Marriage, st George
Mindfulness:
Purposeful Awareness In Relationships
JULY 1, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Mindfulness
has its roots in Buddhist teaching with respect to pondering
and meditation. One need not subscribe to Eastern religion to
adhere to pondering and mindfulness. It can be lived in common
every day life. Mindfulness is the state within which one has
keen and clear awareness. It is conceptualized as a mental state
that is characterized by calm yet sharp awareness of one's body,
feelings, and mental process. Mindfulness is twofold in that
it is a mental and physical state of presentness, and being
in the 'now'. Mindfulness, is a healthy practice for those who
wish to reduce stress, manage conflicts in relationships, or
build personal awareness.
One can cultivate mindfulness during meditation/pondering by
quelling thoughts related to the past or the future and instead
being keenly aware of what is going on in one's body. Individuals
that practice mindfulness pay attention to the present, to what
is happening right now. Mindfulness is self-care, taking care
of oneself and managing one's thoughts in a purposeful way.
Often individuals minds are aware yet are also engaged and entirely
unaware of other processes occurring (emotions, memories, fears,
etc). For example, if one were mindful in a discussion with
a spouse, they would be aware of their body's sensations, their
facial expressions, their breathing,and their thoughts and emotions.
One might also be aware of their spouses current process as
well. It is imperative that one learn and comprehend emotional
processes within themselves and be able to purposefully monitor
and connect with them in order to manage and direct relationships
in a healthy and productive manner. Individuals that find themselves
in conflict with others are typically 'aware' of the conflict
and issues yet are not mindful or purposeful about how they
speak or listen to others. It is in using purposeful language
and mindful intention that guides them to attune themselves
to others in their relationships, which results in healthy bonds
and meaningful attachments.
Mindfulness
is not an act or something you simply do, it is something that
you begin doing and eventually it is something that you are.
Taking even
a few minutes out of each day to find a quiet space and sit
and simply be. By being I am referring to not thinking about
work, family, responsibilities, etc. but simply just sitting
still and 'being'. Noticing your breathing, your body, the quiet.
It is a way of calming the static and chaos that can occur from
ones busy life. Doing this midday while away from external distractions
can help to re-center and reduce stress. Research suggests that
mindfulness meditation may improve mood, decrease stress, and
boost immune function found in study by Kabat-Zinn, a guru of
mindfulness meditation and the founder of the Mindfulness-Based
Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachusetts
Medical Center.
Mindfulness Meditation - An Example
1. Find a quiet and comfortable place, ideally one without others
around where you can be still.
2. Keep
your mind in the present, avoid past or future events, relationships,
etc.
3. Engage
in being aware of your body and how it feels. Focus on your
breathing and the sensation of air movement as you breathe.
Pay attention to the way each breath changes and is different.
4. Notice
the thoughts that enter in your mind and leave, thoughts that
may be related to fear, doubt, or stress and like thoughts.
When these enter in your mind don't push them out, rather simply
note them, remain still and calm and use your breathing a stable
area to lean on.
5. If your
mind finds itself drifting off, become aware of where you drifted
to and without criticism or judgment, simply move back into
your breathing.
6. As your
mindful session is concluding, sit for one to two minutes, becoming
aware of where you are. Get up gradually.
Also, for
a good book on mindfulness I recommend Mindfulness
in Plain English, Updated and Expanded Edition
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: mindfulness,
meditation, pondering, stress, emotional
regulation
Confidentiality
- How It Works in Therapy
JUNE 5, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Often clients ask, "Are the things I talk about in counseling
kept confidential? The answer is "yes." As the patient
you have the right to have absolute privacy and confidentiality
in counseling with me. This means that without your explicit
consent in writing, I am prevented by law from discussing information
you share during your sessions with anyone else. Your being
aware of how confidentiality and the nature of client-therapist
relationship can help you trust and feel safe knowing that anything
you share will remain private and confidential.
Are there
any times you do disclose information I share in session to
anyone? As a clinician and licensed mental health professional,
I am obligated to inform the proper persons and/or authorities
if, in my judgment, I determine a patient may harm to self or
others. Strict confidentiality is maintained except in cases
where their is disclosure of child abuse or neglect and if one
has intentions of harming themselves or others. Please feel
free to discuss with me any concerns you have regarding the
confidentiality. I'd be more than willing to discuss them with
you.
I make every
effort possible to not only maintain privacy but safeguard confidentiality.
As a therapist in a small community, that of Southern Utah,
it is imperative that you have safe therapeutic space within
which you can engage in counseling without fear of running into
those you know or being in a waiting room uncomfortable. I make
every effort possible to stagger sessions so that clients are
comfortable, safe, and in a trusting environment.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: confidenitality,
privacy, counseling
