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Catergory:
Grief and Loss
Grief
and Loss: Understanding Bonding & Attachment
SEPTEMBER 18, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Most
individuals experience loss at some level at some point in their
lives. Loss of a friend or of a pet is a common experience for
children as they grow and develop. What makes loss difficult
is primarily due to the attachments or bonds that are created
when we relate and become close to others. These bonds help
us feel safe and secure. Over time we develop a sense of normalcy
as we interact with individuals that we are attached too.
I recently
sold my home and moved out of a neighborhood my wife and I both
loved. The neighbors and our family were very tight-knit. The
kids often played together and goofed around as young children
do. I drove by after we sold the home and felt a longing and
sense of loss having moved away from friends and an area we
had become attached to. Neighborhood parties, kids riding bikes,
fathers mingling out in front yards, and children's toys scattered
about the neighborhood were common. As a family, we moved through
a process of loss. Grieving was short but nevertheless it was
a loss to past attachments to friends, memories, and a sense
of safety.
Grief and
loss are closely associated but different elements of mourning.
Loss occurs when we lose or become distant from someone or something
we have a significant attachment to. Loss does not only occur
at the death of a loved one or when we move away. Loss can occur
when expectations are not met or attachments are severely weakened.
For example, I was seeing a teenage boy who had a long history
of loss and grief he was not fully aware of. He was living with
his father after his parents divorced. His mother and father
fought much and ended up ending the marriage. The conflict between
his parents was fueled most often by his mother's drinking.
This young man developed some negative ways of coping with this
loss, the loss of his mother. He did not and could not at that
age interpret and sort out his own loss and impending grief.
He was aware of the discomfort and heartache around the divorce
in his own soul but had little ability to process and make meaning
from what was occurring. He attempted repairing his hurt feelings
and to avoid that pain by fantasizing about how much she loved
him and that things were in fact ok. Often in sessions he would
make excuses about how she is just 'busy' and can't be around
for him. In time he began to see the depth of her problem with
alcohol as he entered adolescence. He could not rectify these
fantasies of her being present and loving in his life as in
reality she was emotionally and physically absent. As he grew
older he started smoking marijuana with peers to 'chill out'
in an attempt to deal with this loss and the reality that was
settling in on his conscious mind. Coping in unhealthy ways
is a symptom of loss and then grief that is unresolved.
If you've had difficulty with a particular loss or are grieving
the death of a loved one and are having trouble working through
the loss please contact me for an appointment and I can assist
you. I can help guide you into moving forward with wholeness
and peace. My clinical experience has also helped to broaden
my understanding of the complexities and nature of grief and
loss. Hope is possible; it will take work and time but you can
reach closure and find meaning.
If you'd
like more details on loss and grieving you can read my entire
online article (long version), about the stages of loss and
how attachment and bonding play a key role in dealing with and
healing. My
full length article is located here.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
grief and loss, death,
bonding, attachment, bereavement, st george grief counselor
