Online
Blog Articles by Justin Stum
Back
To Main Blog
Catergory:
Marriage and Couples Counseling
How Do I Know If I Need Marriage Counseling?
JANUARY 29, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
Often
individuals feel they may be canidates for counseling but are
not sure and don't want to make things worse. I have had many
clients that reported being worried prior to coming in for counseling
that hey might make things worse if they stirred things up and
spoke out about their marriage and the issues within it. While
this concern is understandable from a laymans perspective, it
is based on several assumptions that typically are not solid
supports. For example, avoiding and continuing in the same old
patterns does not make things better, often they get worse as
conflict and hurt feelings linger over time. Generally the intention
in couples counseling is to move beyond the mere 'content' of
the issues and instead take a deeper look at the 'process' of
how it is happening and why it is happening. As the patterns
become illuminated and needs/wants are explored mutual understanding
is fostered and mending begins to occur. Learning how to attend
to your partners needs and learning to listen in new ways independent
of how long you have been married can help restore harmony and
stop deep seeded patterns that have been living within the marriage
and preventing closeness and love. Where blended families, addiction,
and other complicating factors exist more working-through is
required to iron out the core issues and guide you through them.
You might be a good canidate for couples or marriage counseling
if ... (this list is not complete but has a few of the larger
issues listed)
- Often
when you attempt to communicate with each other it turns into
a fight.
- To prevent
conflict you avoid communicating about difficult topics.
- Same
debates/arguments continue over and over with no resolution.
- There
has been infidelity in real-time, online, or in workplace
relationships.
- One spouse
is addicted to online gaming, hobbies, pornography, etc and
it is tearing the marriage apart
- You feel
you cannot open up and share with your spouse. You're not
emotionally safe.
- Intimacy
and passion are not what they used to be.
- Often
you fell disconnected and wonder why you are married and if
you'd be happier single.
- You struggle
to communicate and understand your spouse.
- Dealing
with past hurts and in need of help working through it.
- You are
considering divorce or seperation.
The list above
is a small snapshot of common issues that couples bring into my
office. Most issus are not listed but I put some of the more common
ones. If you feel you are in need of counseling you likely are.
If you are in doubt schedule a time to visit with me and I can
make an assessment as to what your clinical needs are and how
I can be of help to you.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: marriage counseling, couple counseling, marriage help
My
Spouse Won't Come To Counseling, Now What?
NOVEMBER 25, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
.jpg)
Often
when relationships are conflicted or distant one member of the
relationship recommends counseling as a part of conversation,
usually when things are loaded and a feud is underway. It is
not uncommon for one spouse to be ready and the other resists
or balks at the request. The layman's assumption is that counseling
needs to occur with both spouses present. This premise is true
that both members of the marital dyad make up the marriage and
that both play a role in the 'dance' of communication and relationship.
Often though this premise grows awry. One spouse may think,
"I am unhappy because of the things he does" or "She
needs to change in order for me to be happy". As long as
you subscribe to these statements, you are focused on your spouse's
issues rather than on your own issues. In fact, this focus on
your partner's actions rather than on your own is a way of avoiding
responsibility for your role in the relationship and struggles
you are having.
If
you are having problems in a relationship or in your marriage
and your spouse won't come, then you go! As a key part of the
counseling process you will need to evaluate what you are doing
that is fueling or contributing to the unhappiness you are having
rather than just what your spouse is doing. Exploring, understanding,
and ferreting through your own feelings and role in the patterns
is crucial to you abandoning the faulty ways of thinking/acting
and can help propel you into a fresher healthier marriage.
When
one spouse is in counseling and making changes it can impact
the entire relationship. If you learn to own your own feelings
and needs you can impact more globally in the marriage how your
partner responds to you. Many find that as they “look in”
at themselves they are able to spend less time “looking
out” at their spouse and the other spouse begins to make
small changes on their own. Marriages are a system, like a child's
mobile. If one part is impacted the entire relationship will
resonate. When one spouse changes and continues to do so the
other subconciously begins to do so as well in most cases. You
cannot change your spouse but you can change you and impact
the very marriage you are a part of. Simple consistent changes
in yourself, your thinking, and your behavior can and will impact
your marriage and foster overall change for the couple and eventually
help heal the relationship and ideally persuade the other spouse
to join you in counseling to make more profound changes to the
marriage.
When each partner in a relationship begins to own their own
behavior and take full responsibility for their own feelings
and needs, they leave neediness and blame behind and are able
to share their love with each other.
Some questions to think about:
• How do you typically respond to your spouse's behavior
that you don't like?
• Do you find that you are reactive to your spouse's rude
or critical behavior with your own unloving behavior, and then
find yourself blaming your spouse for your reactions?
• Are you being realistic about who your spouse is? Are
you expecting your spouse to be someone he or she is not or
doesn’t want to be?
• Are you making your happiness/peace dependent on your
spouse?
• Are you taking responsibility for yourself and the emotions
you are experiencing?
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: marriage counseling,
couple counseling, marriage help
Are
You Committed To Your Marriage?
AUGUST 2, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
%20(2).jpg)
In
my practice as a therapist I often work with couples that are
seeking help with their relationship to one another. Old patterns
of conflict, struggles with in-laws, insecurities that erupt
into verbally caustic battles are often what lead them to seek
help. They would not land in session if they were not committed
on some level to each other, thus they seek profession guidance
to repair and mend their relationship.
The culture
we live, interact, and engage with daily is often governed by
a throwaway mentality. For example, when was the last time you
had a pair of shoes repaired? If it comes undone, torn, or worn
we get a new one. The social context we live in has made it
fairly easy to give up on all kinds of things, including marriage
and the commitment in the marriage. The things we struggle with,
work at, and dedicate ourselves to are the things we hold dearest
to our hearts. The union and bonding that occurs in rich fulfilling
marriages can not be manifest in written word, it can most often
only be felt.
Committed
husbands and wives in a marriage relationship may initially
just want the have a calm happy marriage, but over time as they
pour in their hopes, dreams, and hearts to their marriage, their
expectations lift to new heights. They don't settle for just
a "good enough marriage," they strive for excellence.
Committed partners nourish their marriage by service, affection,
kindness, and intimacy. If your marriage is in need of mending,
don't throw it away. Instead, size up your commitment and start
today to work on building what you started, you'll find that
it is possible yet does take patience and work.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
change, marriage counseling,
marriage, st George, commitment
Couples
Counseling, Who Needs it?
JULY 8, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Many
marry with hopes of memories and many years of love and connection
with their spouse. Marriage often starts with a bang: flowers,
ceremony, family, then off to the honeymoon. Too often, couples
lack the skills to keep the ’spark’ they started with
when they first married. Many factors enter in and make marriage
more than just two lovers; jobs, children, hobbies, church activities,
etc can create quite the juggling act for couples. Many, if
they are not centered and personally emotionally healthy find
themselves still married yet at times not happily married. Sad
thing is, many don’t seek help.
Often couples
don’t come into therapy due to the stigma that it appears
to carry in certain cultures. Within Christian culture there
tends to be a stigma in some areas that therapists are for those
that are failing at home or that “just need to live their
faith”. Unhappy couples are not necessarily unstable, many
can be very stable. In my practice I see very stable marriages
that also are very unhappy. You’d ask, “How can it
be stable if they are unhappy?” Well, the prospects of
divorce especially with kids in aren’t very good. Couple
conflict and divorce still runs in our culture as much as some
want to say it does not, and it is on the rise. While having
the answers and some self-help books does help, many couples
are locked in emotional gridlock can’t see with clarity
due to hurt, contention, and at times bitterness thus stumble
through their marriage with petty fights and quarrels that often
are not ever resolved nor do they gain skills to prevent them
in the future. These couples, no matter how many answers they
feel they have, often cannot get patterns worked out. Patterns
are ways of living that have become part of the emotional ‘dance’
or groove that couples fall into out of habit. The fact is,
that some of the most solid marriages are of couples that do
work on their relationship and those that do still at times
experience some turbulence value their marriage high enough
that they seek outside help. We are not talking months of therapy,
but often 4-7 sessions to iron old or existing issues out and
gain skills to better meet their spouse’s needs. With some
couples that have more deep seeded issues from their families
of origin or due to years of conflict and hurt, it may take
longer to ferret out the past and start re-authoring new ideas,
new believes, and then new ways of behaving in the marriage.
Some resources
I suggest you look into if you want solid professional guidance
for your marriage but want to do so through some personal reading
first are by John Gottman. He’s a marriage expert, one
I reference as such. He has written a book I read over a decade
ago when it just hit the press and I have referred couples to
countless times. The book chronicles the important elements
of not merely fixing or building marriage but gives solid sound
guidance in making it work. Many self-help books provide a laundry
list of what I call sunshine theories, ideas that will help
your marriage for a day then just when the sun sets it fades.
The text is called The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide
from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
and provides insights about what makes marriage last. This book
can help, but if the patterns are really deep often books like
this can support but it takes counseling to work through them.
Finding
a good couples counselor is key; one that balances ferreting
through the past and working in the now. What I mean by ‘working
in the now’ is that they help you and your spouse in the
present to gain skills, tools, and awareness of your dynamics
and patterns. I spend time assessing the marriage but then move
into helping you make changes now! Time and finances are tight
for many most of the time. Making the most of your time and
your marriage is part of what I and other solid therapists do.
Many ask,
“Well, what if my partner won’t work on it? Good question,
many ask themselves this and often feel stuck. Often stating,
“Why would I want to work on my marriage if he/she doesn’t
want to work on it. It won’t work!” I hear that often
and the fact is that often you must start with you. Dragging
your spouse in or begging usually doesn’t net good results
initially anyway so taken from a long-term perspective you’d
be best off starting to change you. Typically trying to change
small things about you is something you can control and does
make an impact on the relationship. I’m not talking about
moving mountains here either; I am talking about you beginning
to change your tone and body language when you talk. Simple
adjustments you can make today that will have a profound impact
on how your spouse sees and interacts with you. Small changes
do provide a softening that can allow and create space for larger
shifts to occur and discussions to be had.
Feel free
to visit with me more about your marriage. If you’re not
looking for a major overhaul or couples therapy regarding your
relationship, that is fine. I offer a 4-session marital tune-up
as well, for strong couples that want to work out a few kinks
and fortify the solid foundation they have.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin Stum,
MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
change, couples counseling,
Marriage, St George
