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Catergory:
Relationships
Boundaries:
What They Are and How to Create Them
FEBRUARY 26, 2010 - Posted by JustinS
Boundaries
are unwritten and unspoken lines that mark where you begin and
end in relation to where others begin and end emotionally and
physically. For example, we have clothing as a boundary not
only to protect our skin but as a physical cue and symbol that
you are you and that is where you begin. Boundaries take on
many forms: physical, emotional, sexual and intellectual. I'll
explain about the specifics of these boundaries in more detail
below. Healthy boundaries are the groundwork for a growing stable
relationship. Knowing where you begin and where others end is
a key understanding that allows individuals to listen, respect,
and honor others ideas and behaviors that are different from
their own. Individuals that have unclear boundaries often trample
emotionally on others as they don't have a good sense of where
the boundaries are and how to engage in relationships due to
their own boundary confusion. Boundaries help differentiate
us from others and help us clarify who we are and what we are
about. Those that do have a clear sense of their core Self can
also more clearly speak and share their needs and hopes with
those they love. They will thus have a strong sense of their
own identity and be able to honor the unique traits and identity
of others. Individuals that have a solid sense of their own
core Self and their own boundaries also typically do not feel
threatened by the intimacy/closeness of the relationship. They
also can allow others to think and do differently than them
and be ok with it.
Boundaries
are the unwritten but often felt lines that we as human beings
draw and sense with others. Boundaries help us stand up for
ourselves, protect our thoughts/feelings, demarcate when you
end other others begin, and they help us only decide what we
really do want without being hurtful or pushed into things by
others.
Boundaries
help to define who we are and who we are not. They keep us separate
yet connected in our relationships and help relationships grow
and blossom. Boundaries also help people to regulate the personal
space of their relationships. All individuals need time and
space to take care of themselves outside their relationships.
They are able to do so when they have a clear set of boundaries
on how they operate with others. These boundaries, once set,
can allow and educate others on what you are comfortable with
and what works for you. Other will then know better what to
expect from you, how to react when relating with you, and what
role they plan within that relationship. Boundaries are in constant
flux. Ones sexual boundaries are clearly different with a spouse
than with coworkers. The nature of physical boundaries in one
setting at work or in community settings will be very different
that what is health and appropriate at home.
Four Primary Boundaries
Physical
- allows one to define and understand who will touch you, how
they can or can't touch you, and when you can be touched, and
how close others can be in proximity to you and you still feel
comfortable. .
Sexual –
You choose who and when to share your sexuality with, how you
talk about sexuality, who you share your sexual thoughts/feels
with. Sexual boundaries include more than sex itself. Sexual
boundaries include innuendoes, jokes, gestures that you watch
and listen to.
Emotional
– my feelings/thoughts need to be protected. Ones emotional
boundaries do include how others talk to and treat you and how
they respect your emotions. Your boundaries also include how
you see and honor others emotional boundaries.
Intellectual
– boundaries protect ones thought processes and intellect.
You protect how others talk with you, how your ideas and thoughts
are honored or considered.
| People
with Unhealthy Boundaries |
People
with Healthy Boundaries |
| Can't
stand up for themselves |
Stand
up with their own thoughts/feelings |
| Can't
separate thoughts/feels from others thoughts and feelings
often resulting in debate and argument |
Allow
others to have different thoughts/ideas and listen to them
even if they don't agree |
| Don't
say 'no', afraid of hurting others |
Can
say no, don't worry about others views |
| Feel
responsible for others feelings become defensive when others
don't agree with them |
Own
their own feels and allow others to have their own views |
| Easily
hurt by others, can't assert self |
Can
protect themselves and others don't impact their esteem |
| Wait
for others to take care of their needs |
Assert
themselves and take care of their own needs. |
| Become
upset with others thoughts/ideas |
Can
manage others thinking and doing different than them. |
Boundaries
are in constant flux depending on the relationship you're in
and the nature of that relationship. As you develop healthy
relationships and clear healthy boundaries you can then have
the benefits that come from genuine healthy connection with
others without the obstacles of hurt feelings, walking on egg
shells, and other symptoms that come as a result of unhealthy
or unclear boundaries. If you feel you need help creating, defining,
or managing your relationships and the boundaries connected
to them schedule an appointment with me, I'd be happy to help
you along in your journey.
Copyright:
No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced
without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The
one and only exception is for educational purposes and only
if the contact information below for the author is fully cited
here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: relationships, assertiveness, boundaries, emotional safey
Insecurity
- The Fuel of Relational Conflict
DECEMBER 20, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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One
of the core components of reactivity and defensiveness is personal
insecurity. I work with individuals that often share how family
or friends are often reactive relative to them. The difficulty
with defensive individuals is that they feel they are just protecting
themselves from another, that their defensiveness with their
spouse or teen or coworker is merely a function of their defending
how they are right. What I have found in working with scores
of clients over the years, is that defensiveness is really a
loud cue that one has had an insecurity touched or exposed and
the reactivity is not necessarily about being right. So, individuals
that are defensive and reactive to others in their relationships
often see others as an extension of themselves. Now, I am not
claiming they see others as a leg or arm but rather as an emotional
extension. When these insecure individuals are challenged or
given feedback they react defensively and in an effort to hide
the deeper seeded insecurity.
Part
of helping couples abate and curb chronic conflict is by helping
them not only attend to each other emotionally but to help them
as individuals become more aware of who they are and develop
a personal internal sense of security with themselves. For example,
a couple I worked with told me how of one such incident: the
husband came into the kitchen and asked his wife in a jovial
way where all the brownies went by saying, "Hey, honey
(with a smile), did you eat all my brownies?". His wife
responded defensively with, "What, what are you trying
to say, I am fat?" Upon our discussion in session, the
woman told me she felt her husband was saying she was fat and
that he was being sarcastic with her. After exploring the husbands
view, he stated he was not concerned or commenting on her weight
but where his brownies were! His wife was in dance in high school
and due to her own family of origin issues was highly insecure
to any comments or views by others around her weight. Her insecurity
led to other fears and faulty perceptions of others and a small
sense of inner-core insecurity snowballed into other insecurities.
In time, the wife found other comments by her husband as critical
and responded defensively. The brownies are irrelevant here
and so is her weight; the key here is inner insecurities fuel
hypersensitivity to be overly worried about the thoughts, words,
and actions of others.
Allowing
others to have their own thoughts and feelings while still being
secure enough in yourself and your thoughts to not see them
or their thoughts as an extension of yours as they are not!
So, again, defensiveness and reactivity are a sign of inner
insecurity. Working on yourself and come to terms with who you
are, what you do, and who you are becoming can aid you in better
being centered and balanced and assist you in less reactivity
and defensiveness in your relationships.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags:
insecurity, conflict, relationships
The
Facebook Fuss - Frustrated Friendships?
NOVEMBER 9, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
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Is
facebook complicating relationships? Many are connecting online
with old friends, distant family, and unfortunately at times
old flames. Problem is, these relationships are not in 'real'
time they are virtual relationships, ones maintained and fostered
online.
I
spoke to a few individuals recently and one person in particular
did sheepishly admit to me that she intentionally posts pictures
on her Facebook for accolades and praise of others. She feels
that she still does not measure up and wants to show the world,
mainly friends, that she is valuable and she does have a decent
life. We went on to process during the discussion that it is
more about her proving to herself she is valuable and hiding
behind putting it up to 'simply' share with others. Now, don't
mistake, not all Facebookers are emotionally underdeveloped
but this great networking tool can be a haven for such persons.
The profile photo is one such indicator. Have you noticed the
men and women that have near-glamour shots for their profile
image? We are not talking about an image with their spouse or
one of them with their kids but a photo of them in a 'hey-look-at-me-i-am-so-beautiful'
kind of photos. If you are a social networker I caution you
to be aware of your networking time and don't develop and foster
a sense of core-Self based on trite comments online or simpleton
surveys people create. Instead, use social networking to build
your relationships and catch up and stay connected; remember
to ensure you are not shying away from what is key, physical
real time human relationships.
Elizabeth Bernstein recently wrote an article that hit home
with me and I resonated with similar sentiments in her article
on WallStreet Journals online site, www.wsj.com. Here is a small
piece of her article that captures the essence of what she offered
that I felt compelled to include in this article. "Like
many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of
loved ones-you know who you are-who claim they are too busy
to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend
hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children
or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes
nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts.
("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?")"
She couldn't of said it better. My individuals that didn't really
develop a core Self earlier in their development are using Facebook
to support their underdeveloped ego and esteem. She was right
on the mark in her article at WallStreet
Journal's online site. If you're a facebooker, ensure you
keep your primary relationships 'real-time' and avoid the virtual
world of connecting except for occasional updates and photo
exchanges.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: facebook,
social networking, relationships
Communication
Continuum Explained
AUGUST 18, 2009 - Posted by JustinS
Communication is the venue by which individuals share and exchange
information about their perceptions, feelings, and thoughts.
It is imperative that individuals learn to engage and connect
with others in ways that promote healthy relationships and bonding
within them. Many adolescents I work with and adults alike struggle
to communication in ways that are supportive of their relationships.
I
find with that when individuals have some conceptualization
of how they are communicating it is easier for them to identify
patterns that have kept them stuck in ruts that keep them from
the happiness and relational harmony. I think of one couple
I worked with that had a specific pattern/style. A critical
remark would be make about one thing or another and the husband
would shut down. His wife would feel bad for the comments and
apologize. He'd continue to be hurt and give her the silent
treatment. He's engage in passive and withdrawn behavior claiming
he'd been hurt all the while giving her the silent treatment
for days. His wife needs help to attend to him and speak more
kindly and he needs to not punish her when she slips up with
a critical comment. We were able to identify and help each partner
in the relationship begin to learn to assertively speak to one
another, especially around emotionally loaded issues in their
marriage. They in time found that they could talk about any
topic and stay calm and avoid the critical comments. During
this same window of time, they were rekindling feelings of genuine
love and concern for one another that helped to reinforce and
support their newfound ways to communicating with one another.
I
have created a document that helps you identify different types
of communication. It can be a guide in assisting you in understanding
and altering the ways you communicate. Get your own print copy
of my communication continuum
here.
Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be
reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS
LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes
and only if the contact information below for the author is
fully cited here in article.
Justin
Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
435-986-1777, http://www.pathwaystherapy.net
Tags: communication,
passive, aggressive, assertive, relationships
