How might one come to know the difference between experimentation, dabbling, habit, and addiction? As a licensed therapist I use various measures to determine the nature of the issue by getting a sense of the frequency, duration, and nature of the pornography use. I also use self-report measures typically in the form of a written assessments to ferret through the pervasiveness of the issue. The questionnaire/assessments glean a strong sense of the nature of the use and measure the difference between experimentation, habit, and addiction. I also get a full measure of their family history, current relationships, and present sexual functioning. It is through these methods and many hours of counseling that I can assess and then begin to treat the addiction with clients I work with.

Some questions to consider:

• Do you find yourself preoccupied with sexual thinking and/or hiding your sexual thoughts from your spouse or partner?
• Do you find that at times you can’t seem to get through your day until you view pornography and/or masturbate?
• Do you have a spouse or partner that is concerned about your sexual behavior?
• Do you lose track of time when on the computer looking at pornography?
• When in public settings do you find that you sexualize others by thinking about them in a sexual manner or fantasizing about them or their body?
• Have you tried to stop, only to go for some period of time then end up going back to porn use, then back into a period of sobriety, then slip again … in this cycle?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may have a significant problem with pornography or your sexual functioning.

Pornography arouses the senses and creates a false sense of intimacy. It also produces oxytocin within your brain and often creates a biological craving for more porn in addition to the emotional needs that pornography dupes the user into believing it meets.

If you or someone you know has a problem with pornography or sexual addiction please consider having them see me for guidance through this problem. Hope is possible, but simply white-knuckling this issue will not make it go away. Pornography addiction recovery is only possible with guidance and therapy from a licensed therapist with experience treating this issue. Hope is available, the first step is being courageous enough to reach out of hiding and confront the issue. Give me a call and I can walk you through the process to recovery.

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Also, learn more here on my site at Pornography Help and Addiction Recovery Treatment.
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Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E 700 S, Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435.574.9193 http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

It was some years ago when I saw the first trailer on television for the movie Twilight. I remember thinking, “What is this movie and why are so many women lined up for hundreds of feet outside theaters to see it?” I guessed there must be some thematic elements that really touched a key part of women and their needs and hopes in men they are someday hoping to have or are already with. Stephenie Meyer, clearly wrote a book about vampires and the paranormal, woven around a love story fraught with tension, drama, and she set it all in high school. In seeing the movie Twilight, I did find a few things common in the film that most women in struggling marriages also want. Now with that stated, I must add that the nature of relationships in that film are grossly over-amplified and unhealthy … after all, it is Hollywood and this film is by far NOT a template for healthy relationships yet I do want to draw out some of the threads from the movie that I have found in my work with women that I feel are salient for discussion here.

Women Want To Be Cherished

So what does being cherished mean? It means one is valued and honored. Things you cherish you typically keep safe and treat with care and respect. Most women want to feel that they are valued, that their husbands have a deep sense of love for them. Often in marriages that are relationally weak or that are conflict-laden these women feel unloved, mistreated, or not cherished at all. In order for husbands to truly cherish their spouse they often need to emotionally and cognitively move themselves into a position of seeing their spouse differently. Not citing and focusing on the past weaknesses, but instead seeing her strengths and attributes, the ones he likely married her for. If you are looking to cherish your wife, start refocusing on the attributes or core elements of what makes her beautiful and when speaking with her begin to honor and remember those. It will lead you most assuredly to cherishing and valuing her.

Women Want To Be Fought For And Protected

Movies are fraught with scenes where men are fighting for women. The Princess Bride, Twilight, and others are packed with elements of romance and protection. Most women want their man to protect them. How do men protected their spouse? They do so on several fronts. Most men do not need to protect from physical danger or threats but can and need to be protecting her. Often protecting her from the weaker parts of themselves is the most difficult thing for men to offer. Interesting concept isn’t it? Men needing to protect their wives from the weaker parts of themselves. Men attempting and working to protect their spouse from their temper, anger, reactivity, etc can and will in fact be protecting. Men who do not allow anything to get in the way of their relationship with their wife and I mean anything will have a spouse that feels fought for … not letting work, not old flames, not hobbies, not church, not anything get in the way of the relationship. If you want your wife to feel fought for and protected then ensure you are her protector.

Women Want to To Be Taken On A Journey

Do women like nice men? Yes, of course they do but most women don’t want to marry a man because he is simply a nice guy. I’ve heard women talk about nice guys as weak and listless. Women want men that are strong yet also assertive and are going somewhere. Men that attempt to ride on their being ‘nice guys’ won’t get far in their relationships because being nice is only a small part of what women want. Many women want a man that can align with them and do something with their life, men that are going somewhere. I am not saying you need have a 10 year college track prepared or be a CEO to be going somewhere either. I want to be clear here that your having a plan and working your plan confidently is what women are most often seeking. They don’t want a man that is drifting and unsure where he is headed emotionally, financially, or spiritually.

If your man is not sure what you want or need don’t wait for him to figure it out, men don’t read minds. Speak with him about your needs and do so in a manner that he can ‘hear’ you. Speaking in a manner that will assist him in hearing you will help ensure he does not interpret it as ‘complaining’.

Marriages can be a dynamic and beautifully passionate relationship when spouses are protected, cherished, and taken on a journey.

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E 700 S, Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435.574.9193 http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

Let me illustrate their battle. They have struggled to parent their daughter due to school struggles and their child’s acting out at home. It’s additionally been a challenge to stay on the same page as parents as well. The problems escalated to epic proportions once they started dealing with a ‘helping grandparent’. The grandmother, whom I’ll call Mary, recently informed her daughter and her son-in-law that she is moving into town. She stated she wanted to be closer to love her granddaughter wanted to be a ‘help’. This is where the trouble and emotional gridlock began.

Mary engaged in a phenomenon known by professionals as helicopter parenting, or helicopter grandparenting as it is in this case. This is a significant issue, the ‘helicopter’ parent or grandparent often does not see the complications they bring as they are lost in a state of ‘I am helping.’ The difficulty with helicopter grandparents is that they often undermine the child’s parents and create a dynamic of entitlement and enmeshment with the child. Additionally they most often intrude and violate boundaries that support the child’s parents and family process. These grandparents are well meaning but as I will illustrate below they can interrupt the family process and often become a huge piece of difficulty for the child’s parents.

Mary, the grandmother, is over one afternoon at her daughter’s home and was in the living room with the son-in-law and her daughter. It was after 9pm and the son-in-law didn’t want his daughter to have any soda pop before bed considering the late hour, so he kindly yet firmly told his daughter that she’d have to put the Coke away that she now had in her hand preparing to drink. The daughter put the Coke back in the refrigerator and Grandmother Mary interjects, “Oh, come on a little soda won’t hurt.” The child went to bed and the son-in-law and his mother-in-law engaged in a huge argument about the soda, while the child went up stairs hearing her father trumped by her grandmother. The issue here is not the small comment or the Coke. The real issue is the grandmother’s lack of knowledge of emotional space, her role, and her sense of entitlement in injecting her comments in to the situation.

Here are the issues:

• Grandma jumps in and ends up undermining the father’s role and wishes for his daughter. The father then is now attempting to keep grandma from hovering and getting in the way.
• Grandma Mary is violating and indirectly disrespecting her granddaughter’s sense of respect and ability to listen to her father.
• The grandmother is battling with role confusion; a confusion in her place and role … knowing when to speak and when to stay out of it.
• Grandmother is completely oblivious and emotionally lost as she claims she is trying to help out, yet is overtly unaware of her impact on the son-in-law and her granddaughter.
• Upon dialogue the son-in-law was able to tell that Grandma Mary was irritated and that she at times pushes him for her agenda while hiding behind the i-am-helping banner.

Often helicopter grandparents hide behind the banner of helping but in fact are attempting to meet some need they have. They often didn’t trust their own children when they were young, and now replicate the same pattern with their adult children. They don’t trust and at times see themselves as the better parent and thus inject themselves into their grandchildren’s lives at the undermining of the grandchild’s parent. They also are lonely and attempt to fill their time. Helicopter grandparents are unique in that they often have many emotionally unmet needs. Often these grandparents have weak marriages, they are not happy or really fulfilled deeply, and have a lack of hobbies and passions. These marriages can in fact be quite stable yet are shallow in terms of emotional depth. These grandparent marriages are not necessarily complicated or conflictual, in fact they are quite stable but are often riddled with emotional distance that is masked with a hyper-focus on grandchildren and enmeshment/hovering with their adult grown children.

The Hidden Issues These Grandparents Hide

Helicopter parenting is often a sign of a larger more hidden issue. Grandparents who have an inclination or tendency to be controllers, and who are enmeshed with their adult children are much more likely to engage in hovering with grandchildren. Grandparents that are struggling with their own sense of identity or marriage relationship often end up focusing on grandchildren to keep themselves from dealing with their primary relationship, that of their marriage. Often when couples age and approach retirement they enter into retirement panic. This panic is a state of fear and struggle as they are often not able to identify with their own primary relationship and thus end up hovering over their adult children and then their grandchildren. Often helicopter grandparents are aware of their behavior but don’t know what to do due to their panic. They often are afraid and worried and feel the only solution and path they can follow is to hover. Often they only come to realize their supposed helping is in fact irritating ‘hovering’ when they receive “push back” from their adult grown children who begin to push them back as a signal for them to stop hovering and give them some space.

Are you dealing with a helicopter grandparent?

- Do they call or text you daily or several times a week or would they if you let them?

- Are they attempting to relocate to live closer to you, claiming they want to be closer to ‘love’ your child or be closer to you?

- Are they approaching retirement and/or are they retired but lacking hobbies, a healthy marriage, or sense of direction?

- Do they subtly push or bully you for time with you and your children to help meet their emotional needs? or do they push you after you say no?

- Are they emotionally needy or do they find it difficult to find their own tasks or pursuits?

- Do you find they are unaware of boundaries and often intrude and engage without respect to your space or role?

- Are you challenged or pushed for explanations or reasons as to how you parent by the grandparent?

- Do you find after you decline an invitation to an event they continue to push you despite that you have already stated you are not coming?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions you likely are dealing with a helicopter grandparent. The more questions you answered ‘yes’ to the greater the likelihood you have a more significant helicopter grandparent.

So what can you do?

1. The first thing you can do in dealing with a helicopter grandparent is to educate yourself. Many grandparents (your parents) are not aware of boundaries, invisible lines that divide us from others. You can read my article on boundaries and get a solid sense of where you end and others begin. This will be a significant help to helping you clarify that the grandparents are NOT the parents but simply guests and advocates and supporters for you. If grandparents really love and want to support their grandchildren they will support the parent, you and your role with your child. Additionally you may want to have them read this article.

2. Begin assertively drawing lines with the helicopter grandparent. Let them know that you do not appreciate the hovering, give them specific examples of things that do not work for you and that are complicating for your immediate family. Validate you are aware they are trying to help and let them know what they need to stop doing and what they can start doing.

3. Hold the lines you have drawn by giving feedback to the helicopter grandparent when they begin hovering. These grandparents struggle to change as they often justify and hide behind of a banner of ‘I-am-just-helping”. Tell them directly about the space you need and expect them to change their behavior. Continue to give them feedback when and as often as it is needed.

4. If the situation is extreme and they are not responding to your feedback, you may have to moderate the grandparent contact to keep the hovering to a minimum and help provide space to keep the balance of the family. You are likely to experience significant resistance from the grandparent when you say ‘no’ or pass along the feedback, this is normal. If you get upset or silent treatment following saying no or drawing a line, then you’ve likely been saying ‘yes’ for too long. These kinds of grandparents will struggle as they are unhealthy but in time will come to understand what works for you.

The bottom line? Helicopter grandparenting is an approach fraught with problems and patterns that complicate in-law relationships and undermine parenting by the child’s parents. Unique families all contain unique and at times complicated histories. You may also want to consider scheduling a session to visit with me. As a licensed therapist, I can help you sort out the chaos and frustration and help you begin making decisions based on solid principles that can help you deal with a helicopter grandparent.

Additional Resource Link: Helicopter Grandparenting on Grandparenting.com

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E 700 S, Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

Dr. Nora Volkow is the primary researcher who has analyzed compared the responses of those that are addicted to normal controls with an injection of a stimulant. What she found is not only interesting but telling in terms of understanding the brain and science behind who gets addicted and who does not. What she concluded was that controls with high numbers of D2 receptors, a subtype of dopamine receptors, found it aversive, while addicts with low receptor levels found it pleasurable.  So, the take away from her research is that not all brains are the same, in fact when some find it enjoyable others are repulsed! What does  this mean for mental health? It means that the brain is a unique and plastic organ that is not created equally and for some pornography may be extremely arousing while others find it interesting but not that engaging.

Nora’s research suggests that drug addicts and addicts in general, may have a blunted reward systems in the brain. For them they may find that the common everyday pleasures don’t really even reach the level of the reward of drugs or porn. One of the interesting nuggets drawn from the study is that there appears to be an increase in D2 receptors in the brains of those addicted who avoid and refrain from drug use, yet we do not yet fully know if over time they balance out.

As human beings, we are complex creatures. The interaction of our brains (biology) and our relationships (our environment) make use unique and curious. We cannot review and come to understand biology and brains in isolation of our relationships and our experience which has been known to actually shape our brains in childhood and beyond. Just because one is not hard wired biologically to for addiction, we know that those that are exposed to sexual stimuli and drugs can become dependent and addicted despite their chemical makeup.

Treating addiction is a complex process. It’s a process of identifying patterns, intentions, triggers, and motives behind keeping the addiction alive. If you are struggling with addiction to pornography or sexual compulsions you can contact me for an appointment. I have extensive training in relationships and a decades worth of session and past clients I have treated struggling with chemical addictions and/or sexual compulsions.

Reference: http://www.nida.nih.gov/nidahome.html

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E 700 S, Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

When the brain is exposed to sexual stimuli the brain causes an entire host of things to happen. Dopamine is released, physiological changes occur that alter the body’s state, and thoughts and emotions run quickly; the difficulty here is that if in fact the brain and core Self of the person does in fact come to ‘believe’ that intensity is intimacy they end up duped and decieved, thus the brains continual looking for more sexual material with which to meet needs that are inborn, the need to connect, bond, and feel loved otherwise known as intimacy.

I recently saw a video that supports and highlights of the the elements I wrote in the above paragraph. The film is by Dr. William Struthers, a neurobiologist and university professor. In his film he discusses the nature and role of the brain its relationship to chemicals and eventual addictionand the impact that chemicals and addiction plays on the brain. He talks in depth about the real needs for intimacy that are not met, thus individuals looking at porn to find it. He speaks as a scientist and from a Christian framework toward the end as he is at Wheaton College, if you’re not Christian the film is still very much worth watching as 95% of it is the brain science regarding porn with a small bit at the end regarding his connecting sexuality and spirituality.

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E 700 S, Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

Most relationships involve connection to one degree or another which creates some nature of dependency on one another. This is not unhealthy but codependency is something that is cyclic and serves to injure and keep individuals in these relationships from becoming able to function emotionally in an interdependent way. At times, individuals can in fact subjugate or compromise their own feelings and values to accommodate another. Often this accommodation is an attempt to stabilize the relationship and keep things ‘calm’ so as to not be ‘out of bounds’ and keep the relationship codependent. Codependents often worry about what the other thinks or how the other will react to their thinking or behavior. Often emotionally codependent people perceive that the other person they are dependent on, their child or their spouse, is an extension of themselves thus they attempt to calibrate and more selectively say or do what is ‘ok’. Codependency does not foster love and interdependency but instead creates neediness and a bond that stifles growth and ultimately happiness and joy.

In an attempt to help their child, parents often end up creating a codependency that damages the child. Often the parent is blind to it; the parent becomes blinded by their motives reporting they are ‘just trying to help’ their son or daughter.

Take for example a past client I had we will call Mary. She came to see me for counseling regarding her son we’ll call Jeff. Mary was a model parent. She was involved in her son’s activities, often complimented him for his accomplishments, and was very supportive of his talents and hobbies. The difficulty with Mary was that she was often trying so hard to help her son ‘be ok’ and ‘feel ok’ that she entered into a codependent relationship. She often would feel his pain and feel his reality rather than staying clear and helping him enter in and solve his own issues and enjoy his own growth. For example, one morning Jeff would not get up for school. He had average grades and was not feeling like going. Jeff had bouts of resistance at times when he didn’t want to do things. Often Mary and her husband would give in and accommodate him as Mary felt sometimes he needed a break. This accommodation came in many ways but ended up creating a sense of entitlement with her son. He felt that when he was resistant he could in fact avoid the work or task and that in some way his emotionally codependent mother would compensate. Mary began over the years to spoil (unintentionally, she felt she was ‘helping’ him) and accommodate him which indirectly but clearly indicated to Jeff that he could in fact resist and get his mother to change the rules and/or that mom would makes things ok. So, back to the story, Jeff was now in bed, his room locked and his mother inquiring firmly but kindly through the door that he will be late for school and that he needed to get up and get dressed. Jeff was 15 with average grades. He usually made it to school and was your typical teen. Fifteen minutes later Mary went down stairs to find him still in his room. She now with some edge in her tone told him to get up. He did so, barreling out the door down the hall to the bathroom, not in anger but in haste. Feeling that he made it to the bathroom and would shortly be showering she felt accomplished and that he’d be ready soon and she went back upstairs. Well, to Mary’s disappointment she came down and found Jeff still in the shower 20 minutes later, with the bus coming in five minutes! Jeff ended up missing the bus and she ended up driving him to school and ‘accommodating’ him with a note at school for his tardiness. When I spoke to Mary about this I said, “So Mary, what kept you from allowing him to sleep in and miss school altogether?” She replied that she knew he’d be late and that he needed ‘help’. The problem here is that Mary often owned the anxiety and issue that Jeff needed to own. She bore his issue and ended up disabling the outcome of him missing school, a core element in his own growth that he missed as she was compensating. As his mother she felt she ‘needed’ to own it. That she was responsible for making sure he was on time. In doing so, she made it her task of waking him up, and then driving to school then covering for him as to his being late with a parent note. Now, while this may not seem on the surface to be a issue, it in fact was one story of a long sage of problematic incidents. The more I worked with Mary and Jeff I found that she often felt she needed to rescue and make things ok for him. He also reported privately with me that he always knew that his mother would make things ok so his irresponsibility grew out of that dynamic. His mother was also equally as needy and dependent on her son, as her keeping him on track influenced her to feel like she was a ‘good’ mother.

Emotional codependence also is very clear with couples I work with in therapy. They often escalate with one another. When one is hurt the other escalates attempting to defend their ego or position and cannot objectively look within and locate the empathy and willingness to stay clear about what may have happened. Couples that are emotionally codependent often have one member that is not assertive and is more passive. The other partner in the relationship may be more dominant and asserts their will or ideas more frequently. This dynamic can and often is very unhealthy as they fit in a complimentary way but really are not interdependent on each other but become codependent and stuck emotionally in unhealthy cycles. These cycles may not be apparent to their view but from outside observation can easily been seen by others. Now, are emotionally codependent couples happy? Yes, many of them think they are happy yet they often get into quarrels and juvenile ways of speaking to each other. Close and loving is very different from codependent. Close and loving behavior and feeling looks like mutual respect, support, space and concern for the other. Codependency often is bound to the other and is not grounded in love and support but loyalty, caution, escalation with emotion, etc.

In the animal world codependency is referred to as a symbiotic relationship. The sea anemone and clownfish operate in a codependent way. They are connected but they are not autonomous as they cannot function without one another. The fish helps the anemone by eating the algae and protecting it from predators. The anemone benefits by eating meals the clownfish attracts. Parents and children develop similar patterns that keep them each stuck in a rut of enmeshment and unhealthy dependence. Parent-child relationships that function in this manner will misguide the normal teen development and atrophy existing parent maturity. The paradox is simple: what starts out of good intentions of nurturing can become codependency and hamper parent and child growth but is hard to detect and work through since it began so innocently. When codependency becomes the norm, a tsunami of symptoms such as: entitlement, selfishness, defiance, and overt reactivity also accompany what parents thought was helping. Parenting that started as a solution, such as helping a stumbling toddler, can become codependency during adolescent rearing that arrests the teen’s being able to make healthy choices. Parents that operate within this paradigm often make decisions based on the nature of the codependency and not what would ultimately help the teen grown and mature. For adolescents to unfold in healthy ways, parents need to allow the child to individuate from the family in order to find who they are and contribute their individuality to the family as a whole. Parents can break out of codependency when they, along with their teen, work to better understand themselves as individuals. Learning to understand oneself through therapy and/or life-coaching and the nature of the patterns at home will allow each individual to find open waters without losing the consistent current of familial love.

Many parents that become codependent with their child end up becoming confused thinking they are in fact helping their child and really are meeting their own needs. Parental neediness often is not seen by the parent and serves to complicate the process.

So, what can you do if you find as a parent your entangled with your child or teen to become less enmeshed and emotionally codependent?

A few ideas …

Get educated. Reading about codependency in relationships can be helpful in sorting out what it is and how to change it. I recommend the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody.

Manage Boundaries. Managing and seeing where you end and others begin can assist you in guiding not helping, enabling, and entitling the child you are codependent with.

Letting go. Remember that growth occurs from letting go of being attached and overly close. Allowing your child to make mistakes (or your spouse) and own their own anxiety or outcomes is the key. Let your child control and make decisions, barring unsafe ones of course.

Ownership. Don’t own things that are now yours. Owning ideas, behaviors, outcomes, and words for your child is damaging. Instead, allow others the space to say and think on their own while also allowing them to bear the outcome of their thoughts and behaviors.

Professional help. Schedule a session to meet with me. The quickest way to sort through and come to objective conclusions and see through the dynamics can occur in counseling.

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E 700 S, Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

Most often anxiety can effectively be treated with counseling and therapy and in certain cases medication. I’ve included some thoughts below for assistance your managing and reconsidering dealing with stress and anxiety.

You are what you eat. Eating a well balanced diet can help curb and manage ones ability to concentrate, regulate emotion, and otherwise calm your nerves.

Regular exercise. It’s been found that energy levels and one’s ability to activate and restore emotional stability is enhanced and often strengthened when regular exercise is a part of your daily routine.

Taking care of  You. Taking time for yourself, what I call Self Care, can help you feel balanced and centered. Working to balance your work, rest, and self care will help immensely in keeping stress at bay. Self care is whatever you make of it. Reading a good book, having a relaxing bath, watching a movie, snatching your favorite candy bar at the grocery store, etc.

Mind Rest; sleep, sleep, sleep.  Understanding your body’s rhythm is key to keeping your emotions in check and staying calm. Rapid eye movement (REM) cannot occur unless you rest deep and rest well. Get adequate sleep for better ability to stabilize emotions and your day. Read more on my blog article about sleep and emotional regulation.

Deep breathing. Relaxation meditation and breathe work is very helpful for moving your mind into a calm state that can help with decision making and clarity of mind. See my blog article on mindfulness and stress/anxiety relief.

Avoid substance use. Covering or managing your ‘nerves’ with alcohol or drugs only serves to soothe and creates dependency. Do not attempt to “calm your nerves” by drinking alcohol or using drugs. Doing so tends to create other relational problems and foster potential addictions.

Avoid caffeinated beverages. Excessive use of coffee, tea, soda, etc. has been shown to cause or trigger anxiety in research studies.

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E. 700 S., Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

Perception is the reality of ones seeing or experiencing a reality that to them is real and grounded in truth. What one experiences as truth, or as real, may in fact be simply a perception they experience based on their history and may not be observable or felt by others in the relationship. Let me illustrated by an example.

Jennifer is in a disagreement with her husband Rob. They both have had frustration around his hobbies and activities outside the marriage. Jennifer is often irritated as she feels that Rob does not and has not given her the time she deserves when they are both home and have opportunities after work to spend together. Rob often reports that she is a nag and that she harangues him often for not doing or being enough for her. From Rob’s vantage point, he is doing what his dad and brothers did following work, head out and spend time hunting or scouting out areas of the outback. Rob’s reality is that he’s doing what most men do, spend time in hobbies after work. He often says to himself, “She’s such a pain. It’s like I come home and there she is, ready to complain the first moment she sees that I may have plans that don’t involve her.” or he’ll say “Jen’s always so needy” or “She expects me to be perfect”. Rob often makes room in his own cognitive process to make these judgements and in so doing is unable to see beyond his most immediate reaction/response to what Jennifer is saying. He is quick to conclude that she is ‘this’ or ‘that’ and then prematurely sticks with that thought and in the coming moments begins to think up and support why that thought is correct or ‘right’ in his own mind. This happens often so that he can justify and avoid her feedback with hopes that he’ll be able to continue his activities. He too quickly feels Jen’s perception and experience is flawed and that his reality is the be all end all truth, thus completely closing off the reality and experience that Jen is having.

A legendary Vietnamese Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh, offers some ideas that are quite profound as well that apply here. He suggests that individuals need to more often ask, “Am I Sure?” before they solidify and believe their own immediate perceptions.

For example, the judgment, “she’s just demanding” or “she’s a pain” goes beyond the facts “she is upset and she wants more attention from me.” Rob is too caught up in judgement and in this moment is not really emotionally present but instead jumping to claims in his own mind that become a reality and he ends up reacting off of them with defensiveness with Jenn. Rob came to realize in time that he was infact not listening to Jenn but instead was operating off a perception that became his reality. With help, he was able to come to slow down his process and speak and listen with his heart. His old habits of being caught up in blaming her and finding fault were replaced with his newfound ability to consider what he was unable to see, her perception, her reality, her experience. Now, that being said, Rob has a reality and an experience as well. This is not simply about his not listening and him needing too. This is far deeper than that. This is about his positioning his heart in a manner that was conducive to his looking beyond and attempting to understand her independent of whether or not he agrees with her. It is the mutual understanding in relationships not the agreement that fuels and lends to healthy bonding and attachment.

So, how might you ensure you are perceiving reality in your relationships?

• When interacting with others ask yourself, “Am I sure?” or “I hear what he/she is saying, yet what is she really saying?”
• Stick to the facts, refuse to allow your mind/heart to fall into a process of blame and judgement.
• Before believing the story you’ve created in our own mind about those in the relationship with you and what they are saying or doing, consider pondering it deeply and looking within yourself if what others are saying is true. You need only consider it, listening and looking doesn’t always mean agreeing with what you see.
• Be mindful that perception is not always reality. Your history, pains, joys, family of origin, impact how you see the present. Be open to a reality you have not or cannot see now!

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E. 700. Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

Here are a few markers of a healthy relationship.

• They seek to create opportunities to spend time together, socialize, and otherwise ‘play’ together.
• Healthy couples join together but also still hold to many elements of their individuality and uniqueness. When one brings in new ideas and activities it can help the other grow and experience newness in experience. If you find that you revolutionalize your activities, friends, or are doing things that you don’t enjoy you’ve likely begun to loose too much of the core you. It is important to stretch and be open to your partner’s interests but also to retain your you-ness and keep a sense of what it is you like, what you do, what you value, what you enjoy.
• The relationships that are most healthy are built by those that use supportive communication skills. It is extremely important to be a listener. For many, listening is simply what you ‘do’, and I believe it is not only that but something you are. Your attending and supporting your partner in demeanor and word will be clear as to your ‘being’ in a emotional position of listening.
• Couples that are healthy reach out most of the time (not all the time) with respect and kindness for the other. Respect is radiated through word and deed in many settings, not merely when it is convenient or when in the presence of others.
• Partners in a healthy relationship also work through difficulties and conflicts. Disagreements and arguments are a part of any healthy relationship. In fact, if you are not having these from time to time the relationship is likely unhealthy with one subjugating their will to the other. The primary path to building and supporting the relationship is not to hide or avoid issues, but to work through it in a mutually supportive way for each other.
• Individuals in relationships that are stable and healthy will be able to share their feelings, needs, hopes, fears, and thoughts without fear of criticism or conflict.
• Partners that honor the importance of creating space and time for their partner by balancing giving and receiving will have stronger more stable relationships. These individuals also work to help their partner meet their own needs. Some years ago I overheard a neighbor talking about her husbands upset. She spoke about the girls-night-out with her friends that was happening that weekend. She then related her husband’s upset that she was taking a night out by responding to her that he wants time away and it’s not fair. He spent time away and had his adult-time during work and at other times. She was home with her kids daily and was in need of time away, time to relax with friends. He was not only talking about his own needs, but was unable to see her’s and thus brought up the fairness issue and a conflict. If you have needs, express them to your partner. If you partner asserts themselves listen to them, hear what they are truly saying they need.
  

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E. 700 S. Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net

The affair must cease. The third party must be removed and avoided completely in order for it to work. This commitment must be made without reservation of the spouse having the affair.

Feelings, and lots of them. The offending spouse must realize that the spouse who was cheated on will have a myriad of emotions and will need to listen, listen, and listen again. The offender must also take full responsibility for the breach in the marriage commitment. Responsibility looks like getting professional help from a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist that can help ferret through the issues and guide both the offended and offender into healing and recovery.

The timely process. The affair didn’t happen overnight likely, and it won’t heal overnight. Often the partner that had the affair wants to be forgiven and move on far to quickly. Both partners should realize that affairs happen for a variety of reasons and that it won’t simply heal in a week or two. Couples that claim ‘they got through it’ in such a time are often suppressing it and hiding from the pain which will only manifest itself later in the marriage.

Therapy and Counseling. The nature of emotions, strong emotions like betrayal, broken trust, disappointment, etc can only be ferreted through by a licensed professional. Couples that try to work it out on their own often cause more damage following the affair. The offending spouse is often confused, guilty, and shame ridden for their behavior. The offended is riddled with pain and sadness that is unmeasurable. It is these conditions that necessitate couples coming to join forces in a synergistic way in couples and individual therapy. I recommend both, each spouse needs space to share their feelings uninterrupted by their spouse. Couples counseling is equally important to work through in a judicious and effective way to begin healing.If your relationship has been impacted by an affair or some level of infidelity, you ought to consider couples counseling. I am trained to work specifically with couples and deal with these issues daily with my clients. Begin the journey of healing and recovery in your own relationship.

Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article. Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 640 E. 700 S. Suite 103, St. George Utah 84770, 435-574-9193  http://www.pathwaystherapy.net